Do you shop at Marcs? I suppose it's somewhat like a Big Lots. The one in our town right now just re-located and so has brought a new flurry of anti-union protestors scattered around its perimeter, drinking coffee and holding signs and waving at cars and standing up for what they believe in. My dad would be at least slightly annoyed at me for waving and then continuing to park. My budget told me to do it.
Yesterday, I went in with a long list, and three toddlers dangerously close to nap time, and my alarm set on my cell phone to get me out in time to get us all checked out and to a doctor's appointment on time. It drove me crazy as I dashed about and picked up list items and corraled my troops.
Finally I made it to the checkout. The experience of the check out lines at Marcs IS probably worth at least a small protest sign, as we usually experience at least one meltdown moment as we wait. And wait. And....wwaaaiitt.
Eventually, I began to load items onto the conveyor belt, and my four year old seized the opportunity to catch a passing by manager. "Excuse me," she asked politely. "Would you please make that piano go?" She has seen the player piano at the front of the store, staged with photographs of famous musicians' tunes recorded on its rolls, inquired of me, attempted to sneak up under the cord that surrounds it to make the piece a Played by Her Piano. And today, her precocious self had reached her limits. The manager chuckled and said she hadn't ever seen it play, but she would get the store manager to ask him to turn it on.
I continued to load groceries, slightly damp with I'm-going-to-be-late for our-appointment sweat, one eye on the register, one hand on Mac who was trying to leap out of the cart (his turn for melt down) and one eye on the exchange going on with my child and the store managers. She's very direct.
Soon, the player began twinkling out tunes, and Ellerie and Connor were both startled and transfixed.
I was stopped mid-load. The tune was Karen Carpenter's "Top of the World." Do you remember it? Tears filled my eyes. No longer did I stand in the grocery store, sweating and unaware of the flat on my car that would need addressed before I reached the doctor's office to find out Mac needed another antibiotic.
No, I was once again a little girl, about the age of Ellerie. Surrounded by sunbeams, warm and safe in my Granny's living room. We were dancing and laughing as the mellow 45 spun about, sending the charmed words on the charmed notes into the charmed world of a precious moment between a grandmother and her granddaughter. I can see her smile, and I could feel my own remembered laughter in my chest, tickling my heart. My hands clutched reflexively to hold her thin, strong fingers. Happy-sad tears filled my eyes and spilled over my cheeks. "I'm sorry," I laughed to the cashier. "I haven't heard this song in over 30 years." I shook my head, but I couldn't clear the reverie. The lyrics, the love, the dust speckles of sparkly memory, swirling in the slanted shafts of that long ago, right here, sunshine-y day.
I went 33 cents over the cash I had. She spotted me. And I gathered up my brood. But bits and pieces of memory and joy and bittersweet scattered all around the check out aisle, and as I glanced about, I half expected people to sort of start floating up in the air, kind of like when the little Michael shakes Tinkerbell's dust on the Nursery dog Nana, and her bumm floats up in surprise. But they didn't float, and instead went about as usual, not realizing the gifts of yesterday had just hugged today.

Top of the World, Karen Carpenter
Such a feelin's comin' over me
There is wonder in most everything I see
Not a cloud in the sky
Got the sun in my eyes
And I won't be surprised if it's a dream

Everything I want the world to be
Is now coming true especially for me
And the reason is clear
It's because you are here
You're the nearest thing to heaven that I've seen

I'm on the top of the world lookin' down on creation
And the only explanation I can find
Is the love that I've found ever since you've been around
Your love's put me at the top of the world

Something in the wind has learned my name
And it's tellin' me that things are not the same
In the leaves on the trees and the touch of the breeze
There's a pleasin' sense of happiness for me

There is only one wish on my mind
When this day is through I hope that I will find
That tomorrow will be just the same for you and me
All I need will be mine if you are here

I'm on the top of the world lookin' down on creation
And the only explanation I can find
Is the love that I've found ever since you've been around
Your love's put me at the top of the world

The house is quiet. I am quiet. The gentle hum of the dishwaher and the high efficiency swish of my washer tell me it's either early morning, or late evening, as it's the only time my house is typically still with me in it. I need to get upstairs, spoon against my husband who is warm and sure and probably softly snoring. But the house is quiet. And I am quiet. It's good.
I've been reflecting so much lately on time, which is really an oxymoron, as, for each moment I'm looking backward, life is just moving along, sidewalk square by sidewalk square. Quietly. Steadily.
Today, I am:
Sure.
Forgiven.
Forgiving.
Content.
Optimistic.
Focused.
Relaxed.
Open.
Opening.
Happy. I am Happy.
Loved.
Loving.
With song.
Silent.
Without nightmares. (It's been almost a month for me! This is huge.)
But, Dreaming.
Remembering.
Remembered.
Joyful.

I'll tell you this: What I can remember about my yesterdays is probably both not quite as beautiful or horrid as my memory recalls. And I cannot assure anyone else of the beauty of tomorrow in any terms other than my own. But today, today was beautiful. My days are made of beautiful. From baby shampoo to oreo kisses to first job jitters to warm, soft pillows... From tears of having to try again to tears of having to say goodbye to voice changing squeaks to forgotten uniforms... From having grown up LIVING The Pain and the Great One to carting around love in my arms in one form or another since I was about, what 12? From dishes to laundry to business to pleasure... Today, my days are made of beautiful.

And my house is quiet. And I am quiet. And it is good.