I can hardly believe, REALLY, that it's been since November since my last post. But you know, I've lived a whole other lifetime since then. REally. Thanksgiving was crazy--had a minor surgery (which aren't they always a little more major than minor indicates?) the day before, so I'd done all the dinner prep the day before that, and then on the day of little Connor reached across a votive candle (he had snuck up to the counter to snatch a cinnamon roll that wasn't done cooling), and his sleeve caught on fire. Terrifying. Jason beat the flames out barehanded, and I raced across the kitchen to tear away the shirt, ignoring bandages, stitches... Isn't that the way when moved with great passion and intense desire? I needed to rescue him. That was my only goal.
So then Christmas rushed in with the Holiday Shopping that I had SO determined to be SOOO prepared for that I would completely avoid it... AND, I stayed up wrapping all Christmas Eve. But HEY! I promoted to DM for Arbonne, amidst holiday bazaars that didn't turn out as I'd expected, and the UPSdownsUPSdownsUPS as I tried to measure success and failure.
New Years Eve at Mom and Dad's. The edgy ache of sorrow that Uncle Mark was not there. The sad place in my Dad's eye. My dad is so handsome, so strong. I feel pain in my heart, tears pressing out, just thinking of how his smile is just that ever so little bit... less than it was. Odd, isn't it? How continued life gives these rich rich blessings that deepen the warmth and resolve and ABSOLUTE joy in love, but it takes away, just a little by such such little, the freeness of a smile. There's a bittersweet burden of... well, of remembering.
Anyways. The night before we left for there, I got this call from B. I love her now, but at the time she was just this face on an Eye on Arbonne, this several page spread of determination. I mean it! Every sentence was like a mile marker of grit and I can do all things through HIM. And then, she talked (it wasn't our first chat--we'd had others in which I felt that innate admiration. my wish is that everyone finds someone for whom this feeling can blossom) about this upcoming Exchange Event, and she might deny it, but I'm pretty sure she just prayed my butt right onto a plane headed for Amarillo. THE last place in the world I figured I needed to be, what with Christmas returns, and holiday blues and all.
IN FACT: a few days before, I sat down to type. Wanted to pour out my soul in this black and white so that I might come back and sort it out later. All I could do, all I could muster, was to log onto Facebook and type, "Is it just me?" And cry--those really, not fun, man these are breaking my heart, silent tears.
Anyways. I went to Amarillo, bags packed full of clothes that still had tags on them, layered with years of dusty, heavy stories I'd been toting around for at least three decades. And I met her, this friend whose soul must surely share at least one web or orb of fingerprint with mine. She's staggeringly beautiful. And to look at her, she's pretty too. (Are you following me?) Being near her is like... Well, when I was a little kid, I used to be fascinated with my kaleidiscope. Loved the sounds the beads made, each little trickle turning something lovely even lovelier. So peaceful that world of turn by turn color, most radiant when held up to the light. That's what spending time with Buffy is like.
And I swear she ran me all around that ruggedly, brutually magnificent area with its funny names like Taco Villa and Quik Quak the day I arrived. So surreal to be so far away and just perfectly right at home. I think my spirit sighed audibly. And that's not even the good part!
I was there for this Exchange Event. Did I mention that I had packed a little cynicism, skepticism, criticism, obnoxiousism into my carry on? Evidentally, weight borne only on the soul doesn't cost extra--not in money.
But, an hour into the presentation on, well, I can only say with all confidence that the presentation, if you're a part of it, is on EXACTLY what your innermost core NEEEEEDs, I found myself asking Keith for forgiveness (he must think I'm crazy), but I needed to trash my carryons. Critically, vitally important it was, I knew to open my heart All the way.
And oh baby.
I have this little notebook that I carry with me eveyrwhere. It contains my notes from the Exchange. But I'd completely wig if I lost it. Because there are these little pieces of me written all over it. And listen: this is huge. Prior to this blog, I never really saved any writings that came from that deep place inside. It never seemed to match with what I thought was written on my forehead. I'm still amazed.
And that isn't even the best part.
Like a true Magic Bullet Infommercial, if you wait: THERE's MORE!!
In the shape of this forum of people I've been introduced to... Lots from Arbonne, lots from... well, that place of Ether, swirling around bumping thoughts and emotion and people's beings together. I really kind of think pieces of me were floating around there too, and just bit by bit I'm coming back together.
I have a thousand things to say all of a sudden. As if it's imperative that I type and type and type my heart onto the page. Commit to the changes I am seeing are so clearly needed. Find SUCCESS for my family.
Meet my husband again and again until all that we have are the posts of "Look at this gem we found once more today", whether through trial or treat, to record our journey together. We're not there yet.
I found my children too! Found their beautiful, passionate wills and dreamy imaginings. Figured out where I wasn't showing up, and I'm not talking about sporting events.
My faith. Ah that. Yes, well, ignited is the thing. But I don't want a flash flood. I want a controlled burn, steady, strong, created to fufill a purpose blazing with light.
So you see? It's been a lifetime since November, but I think, for the first time ever, I was shocked to see that I hadn't written about it. Even though this post has certainly not done a lifetime worth of justice.
And to you who are part of my re-shaping, who are the brilliant gems tickling across the glass of my soul: thank you. My loving hasn't been complete without you.